Coping with grief at Christmas

Christmas can be a tricky time when someone important to you has passed away. This holiday is all about spending time with family and seeing your loved ones, celebrating and having a good time.

But the pressure that comes with this holiday is exactly the reason why I am not the biggest fan.

I can’t relate to having a nuclear normal happy family and I find it tricky. I also know that not many do, but I still can't escape that image of a perfect happy Christmas which is sold to us via various media channels.

Getting together with my extended family is always lovely but it also highlights to me that one person is always missing - my mum. It reminds me of how much things have changed, how different my life and how I can’t have that “perfect” family Christmas that’s always advertised on tv around this time of the year. It’s always a bittersweet feeling. Of course, I love spending time with everyone and coming together but I also miss my mum. Every year.

Every year I am reminded, and I am triggered. From TV adverts to music to writing Christmas cards, even down to buying presents, I find it all difficult to an extent. Grief never fully goes away and emotions are heightened around this time, making the loss feel even greater.

I'm never really excited about Christmas. It's rather anxiety-inducing for me and I almost wish that it didn't exist - which is very selfish of me.

Going into the new year is very similar. It’s a fresh start and we leave every year behind looking forward to the future. But when you’ve lost someone close to you, leaving another year behind also means another year without them. Life carries on, and what was once a fresh memory of my mum becomes a rather distant one as the years go by which saddens me.

I can’t make it all go away sadly, but I can learn how to navigate it by doing a few things that make me feel a tad better.

For example, I inherited the duty of sending out Christmas cards from my mum so doing that every year makes me feel closer to her and her side of the family. A task that I find emotionally difficult but that somehow makes me feel better as I know that my mum would be happy knowing that the Christmas cards are going out to everyone, and this tradition hasn’t stopped.

I also try to let go of the idea of the perfect Christmas Day and I create my own festive habits which sometimes may include doing absolutely nothing and not being festive because that then removes the unwanted pressure.

Acceptance also helps. Accepting that my Christmas does not look the same as most people’s and that every year is different for me is fine. Christmas can be what I want it to be. I can redefine it for myself and my family.

Other ways to cope with grief at Christmas:

• Try and be sensitive to everyone’s needs as everyone in the family will have different ways of grieving

• Give yourself permission to not be okay but also give yourself permission to look forward to and enjoy Christmas

• Make space to remember that someone is missing and it’s natural to miss them

• Talk to a family member about how you are feeling about Christmas

• Decide whether you would like to do something on your own or with family members to remember your important person

• Make plans but also give yourself permission to change your mind

• Be kind to yourself and if things become too much, find a way to take time out

Sending lots of love, Bianca xx