Our take on Mother's Day

[TW: Death - Grief - Maternal Loss]

Throughout the year there are plenty of days, events, or anniversaries that can be difficult for us to cope with in direct relation to our grief. Some of these are very individual and personal, and others are more shared. Mother's Day is one of those days that can be painful on more of a collective basis, as opposed to an individual one. In some ways this can be reassuring, knowing that you're not going through this day alone.

And so, a few members from the G&G team have put together a blog post written about how they feel about Mother's Day, how they have coped in the past, and how they continue to cope with another one of the yearly reminders of their loss. Remember, whatever it is that you do on this day, we are thinking of you.

Freya:

For me, Mother's day doesn't hold much significance any more, if I'm being honest the day usually passes me by without my notice. However, I know that it can be a really difficult day for those who have lost our mother or a mother-like figure in our lives.

It can bring back memories of previous mother's days: handmade cards, breakfast in bed, presents and days out, a day when I loved making my mum feel special. But now this is tinged with the reminder that we cannot do those things together ever again. Which hurts.

With ads on TV, online, in restaurants, magazines and shop windows it can feel impossible to escape the onslaught of slogans of 'This Mother's Day, show her you care' or 'Let mum know you love her'. Like, trust me, every day I wish I could. All those cringe-worthy stock photos of 'perfect' families with fake smiles can get a little nauseating.

The other thing that can be painful is seeing the posts and photos that people share on social media, showing how they have spent the special day with their own mum, which sometimes can feel like a kick in the teeth. Personally, when I see these kinds of posts, I just try to think 'Good. They're showing her they care and are making her feel special. I hope they truly appreciate her'. It makes me happy to see others showing their mum some love, but I have to admit I sometimes feel jealous as well.

Over the years I have gotten used to the annual reminders of Mother's Day and they don't really bother me any more. Personally I find it helps to just not think about it, I deliberately don't check when the date is. I used to feel guilty if I let the day pass by without realising but now I try to forgive myself. I tend to view it as more of a commercialised holiday, like Valentine's Day, rather than anything particularly meaningful, which has helped me to get past the guilt.

If I feel like it, on the day, I sometimes take a quiet moment to remember my mum, and think of all the things I love about her and that I am grateful for, and to tell her those things, in my own way. Since there aren't many distractions at the moment, this Mother's Day I think I will get cosy on the sofa, watch her favourite movie and remember our time together.

With Love,

Freya x

Caitlin:

Since losing my mam in 2016, my approach to Mother’s Day has always been one of reluctance - kind of wishing it wasn’t a thing, on a purely selfish level. Whilst I love seeing people really appreciate their mums, it remains that every email I get from companies capitalising on something that’s meant to be really special, and every post I see on social media with adoring captions, brings a pang of pain that many of us have become all too familiar with in losing a parent. My mam’s birthday is in March too, and Spring was her favourite season, with everything coming to life and daffodils sprouting everywhere… her absolute favourite flower. This combination of things means this time of year I often have very mixed feelings, feeling so close yet so far from my mam, feeling happy yet sad, hopeful yet sorrowful.

Personally, I find that the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ tactic very much helps me. Of course it is easier said than done as advertisements are on every billboard for weeks up to the day. However, on the day itself I will completely avoid social media as I find it to be particularly triggering. As I’ve said, I’m so happy that people appreciate their parents as I wish more than anything that I was spending this week writing a nice card and thinking about what to get my own mam. However, that simply cannot happen, so I tend to spend the day avoiding the old Insta, keeping in regular contact with my family, taking it easy and doing something that makes me feel good.

My grandma recently passed away and so this year will be the first time my dad has experienced a Mother’s Day without his own mam around. I’m living in London at the moment and in all honesty I wish I could go home to spend the weekend with him, but of course the pandemic won’t allow, so we will rely on trusty old video calls to feel as close to ‘being together’ as possible. That said, I’m feeling extremely grateful as my older brother recently moved to London so we will probably spend the day together, maybe going for a walk and a few beers in the park if the weather permits.

As a final note, I want to share with you all something that my flatmate told me recently that I thought was lovely. Apparently, the origin of Mother’s Day began with ‘Mothering Sunday’ (I had personally always thought it was just a fancy name for the same thing). On this day, people would often be given a precious day off work to spend with their mothers. Here’s where the good bit comes in: traditionally, Mothering Sunday was a day when people would break the sacred lent to celebrate mothers... BY EATING CAKE. They usually ate something called simnel cake which I’m told is quite a fruity number. Personally I cannot stand fruit cake and will probably go for a cheesecake or a choccy fudge but anyway, this type of tradition is one that I’m absolutely here for. Whether our own mums are here with us physically or in our hearts, I think we can all agree that any excuse to eat cake is a good one.

This Sunday I’ll be raising a fork of sugary goodness to my own mam and all those wonderful women who cannot be with us in person… I invite you to join me x

Love, Caitlin xxx

Kya:

Mothers Day was the only day that caught me off guard during the first year of losing my mom. I was living in Russia and so ended up missing all the normal signs that one would see back home, the tv adverts, signs on shop windows. I was ignorant to it all, and it was bliss. Right up until I opened Instagram and the first thing I saw was a mother’s day post. I had somehow managed to avoid it for most of the day, being busy with uni. And I had noticed that a couple of people had messaged me saying that they were thinking of me, I did think it odd and looked at the date to check I hadn’t missed anything, but nothing stood out to me so I assumed it was just a coincidence, plus it was not so unheard of at the time for people to message to check in. But then as soon as I saw the posts on social media, it all came crashing down on me and I was completely broken by the weight of it all.

Because of that experience, I now take extra care to make sure that I am prepared for mothers day, although now I have the opposite issue which is just trying to get the day out of my head. Many a time I have shouted at windows, adverts on tv, even at my phone for receiving an email telling me not to forget to buy my mom a gift. It fills me with such rage and I soon become very bitter about the fact that I am not able to enjoy my day like everyone else, especially when I am constantly reminded of that fact. It is not a side to myself that I am particularly proud of, so I try my best to make sure that I look after myself as best as possible in order to avoid feeling that way too much.

I adequately prepare myself mentally for the day to come, as I find that being prepared for all the possibilities helps me gain control of what's going on around me. Then when the day arrives I shut myself off from social media and the outside world. I usually fill myself up on nice food and just watch comfort films to keep me smiling. I avoid going outside at the risk of seeing mothers and daughters together (which frankly - without sounding too dramatic - still makes me want to gouge my eyes out). Then I will probably end up listening to some sad songs, have a good cry, then try and get a good night's rest knowing that I’ve made it through another day with a huge sense of relief.

All my love,

Kya xxx

Jordan:

My mother Anne.

My mother Anne had a loving maternal hold,

Like Goldilocks porridge, not too hot, not too cold.

Her spirit fierce and ferocious like a jungle cat,

A voice of reason; Judge, Juror, Diplomat.

A collection of elements- earth, wind and fire,

Stood strong, unmoved, didn’t tire.

For we, just pieces of a complicated puzzle,

Now tirelessly long for her nurturing nuzzle.

Manifesting in life as a song, a butterfly, a falling feather,

My mother Anne, and her legacy, will mark this earth forever.

I’m writing this short blog during a bit of a lockdown induced slump, but I felt it better to write something than dwell on my feelings alone. Mother’s Day 2015 was the last time I spent Mother’s Day physically with my mum, all be it from a hospital bed. Almost six years ago my wonderful mum Anne passed away from terminal breast cancer and understandably life has been a bit of a rollercoaster since. Mother’s Day was never our most celebrated day, mum being my best friend meant that we had a lot of fun throughout the year anyway. Perhaps that’s why I feel so disconnected from Mother’s Day now, barely even noticing it passing and making no real effort to do anything in particular at all. I’ve tried to complete annual ‘rituals’- lighting a candle, making a toast, the dreaded Facebook post – but none of these really stuck and so eventually I stopped forcing myself to do anything. Obviously I see the adverts, cards and email reminders of the holiday and, at times, I will smirk or reflect for a short moment about the wonderful woman my mother was. However, most of the time I just scroll past it, or take advantage of the chocolate deals in the supermarket and barricade myself in my house for a few days. Maybe its not the healthiest process, but damn it works for me. Happy – or lets face it, Unhappy- Mother’s Day, be kind to yourself this year.

Love,

Jordan x