Finding my Groove with Grieve and Groove

Bear with me, this is my first time writing a blog and I’m not really sure where I’m going to go with this. But in some ways, I feel that this is the true essence of this organisation, and indeed of grief itself. Often it can feel like every day is a ‘bear with me’ day, an ‘I’m not sure how I’m going to feel’ day. And gradually I am learning that that is absolutely okay. Once you have suffered a bereavement, you require an extra bit of patience from the world to gather your thoughts, to allow you to pause… to process. Because losing someone close to you is really really really horrible and sometimes you just kind of sit back and think, ‘Did that really happen?’ Even now, four years on, that thought still comes to mind.

In August 2016, my mam passed away from breast cancer at the age of 49 very quickly after being diagnosed with secondary breast cancer. I was 20 and in the middle of my English and Spanish degree, due to go on my Erasmus year abroad the following month. I delayed my start date, but still went to Spain for a number of reasons: I was determined to carry on living life as I would have done otherwise; I still actually really wanted to go (call it running away, call it whatever you want); and honestly, I had no idea what I would have done if I had stayed at home. The thought of ‘taking a year out’ or ‘allowing myself to grieve’ was honestly petrifying and I had a huge world of places and opportunities I wanted to explore. I wanted to live a life for both myself and for my mam. I didn’t want to waste a second of my precious time on Earth.

One of the beautiful Santander beaches. The sea is a continuous source of calm amongst the chaos for me.

Following the year abroad (which I looooved), I moved back to Leeds to finish my degree and in the second semester was lucky enough to attend the Parent Loss Group. Meeting a group of people who were around my age and knew what it was like to lose a parent, I suddenly started to feel so much less alone. Now, whenever that wave of grief knocks me off my feet from absolutely nowhere, whenever I feel like I have no purpose or direction, I remember that I always have those amazing people in my life. That fact in itself is a comfort beyond words. Like it did to many, the lockdown this year really hit me for six and made me face up to a few realities that had been too painful to confront previously. Finishing uni in Leeds was followed by a move to Shanghai for a year, then back home doing odd jobs, then to Barcelona to try to set up a life with nowhere near enough money. You get the idea! I wasn’t staying still, partly because I genuinely really enjoy moving around, and partly because home still carried a lot of painful memories that I couldn’t quite deal with.

Unsurprisingly, the whirlwind of the pandemic meant having to leave Barcelona and move back home to finally face up to my number one fear: grief. It was absolutely for the best. Intensified by money issues and battling with Spanish bureaucracy, my mental health had really begun to suffer; I was having frequent panic attacks and felt very on edge most of the time. I didn’t understand why moving to somewhere really cool with my best friend didn’t make me feel on top of the world?! Well surprise surprise, your mind goes with you wherever you go, so if you don’t feel amazing in Middlesbrough you’re probably not going to feel amazing in Barcelona either.

A deep depression ensued. I was lost, confused, lonely and missed my mam intensely. I was fortunate enough to receive financial help from my dad to pay for weekly online counselling sessions, and it took months of talking and crying to realise that I had never really talked about the trauma of my mam dying so quickly and so horribly. Counselling wasn’t enough, so after much deliberation I called the doctor and was prescribed with antidepressants. I mention the deliberation because like many I am far more cruel to myself than I would ever be to someone else. The thought of calling the doctor made me feel like I had a really big problem and was facing something far bigger than myself. The truth is I did have a big problem. I was depressed, anxious, dealing with complicated grief and unable to hug my friends and extended family because of a pandemic.

Calling the doctor, however, was just another step in helping myself, just as talking therapy was. It was another step in taking control of the Big Black Dog, in making it smaller than myself. From Great Dane to Chihuahua. Just like I would get medical help if I had a broken leg, I got medical help because my mind wasn’t very well at all. I trialled the antidepressants for a while and eventually increased the dose, which is currently working really well for me in combination with the counselling. I opened up to my close family, who I had been too scared to let in because I didn’t want to worry them. But this really helped too; it was a relief to not feel so alone with my sadness and they were relieved to be able to look after me like they would if I had a physical disease. Letting them in helped me to help myself.

Quality time with my big bro.

Another little ray of hope came in the form of many Zoom calls with the counselling group from uni. I knew that we had to somehow expand our group, to connect with more people who might be suffering silently or feeling alone in their troubles. I have no idea where it came from, but suddenly the idea of ‘Grieve and Groove’ came to me. If you grieve without grooving, the sadness can be overwhelming and you may be prevented from living your life in the way you want to. If you groove without grieving the grief will catch up with you, which is the particular situation I experienced. By both grieving and grooving, and by being part of a community that encourages and enables you to do so, you will hopefully be able to adjust to the ‘new normal’ and continue on to achieve the things you want to in life.

Right now, I’m living at home and am gradually finding peace here again. I’m still not working, still have no idea what I’ll do next, but I’m starting to feel a little more peaceful within myself. This project is a real comfort for me and I hope you find it as beneficial and therapeutic as we have found building it. From the offset this has been a collaborative effort, built by many minds, stories and ideas put together, and that will always be at the very heart of what we do. It goes without saying (but I’ll say it anyway!) that we are non-discriminatory and hope this reaches as many young people who have experienced a bereavement as possible. I am starting to learn that ‘living life to the max’ doesn’t necessarily mean living at a gazillion miles an hour and filling every single day with fun activities. Sometimes, it means the exact opposite: living slowly, taking stock, reflecting, spending time with your favourite people. Or simply taking some time out to look after yourself so that those busy days are that much more enjoyable. This platform is shaping up to be my groove, and I truly hope it helps you as much as it is helping me.

Loads of love,

Caitlin xx

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