Story time - Kya

During my first session of the Parental Loss Group (where the G&G team all met) the first thing we were asked to do was to turn to the person next to us and tell each other our "stories". We could interpret that word in whatever way we wanted, there was nothing specific that we needed to cover or mention. But we all knew what our counsellor was referring to when she gave us her instructions. Once we did that, our partners were then asked to retell our stories to the group. Listening to my intimate experiences being spoken about by someone I had met less than half an hour ago to a room full of strangers was oddly very empowering. It felt like I had just tackled a huge mountain and was standing at the peak looking at my life beneath me and all the struggles I'd faced.

Ever since then I have felt very comfortable talking about my life in "that" way. I used to be so concerned about making other people uncomfortable, but I have since realised that if you talk about something painful that has happened to you, it is not your duty to make the recipient of that information feel comfortable or at ease. And usually when you feel comfortable talking about stuff like that it makes the other person feel easier too.

So, after that long introduction let's dive in. I will set the scene for you all (no one asked for this but here we are), I had just come back from my first year abroad which was in Shanghai and I had just experienced the best year of my life, I was about to embark on my second year abroad in Moscow, I was truly on an all time high. I had the whole summer ahead of me where I would be spending quality time with friends and family who I had literally not seen for months. I was sat in my mom's living room reading some Rupi Kaur waiting for her to get ready so we could go out and do some shopping (a regular activity for us), when she comes into the room clearly not dressed or ready to go out. She sits down next to me and says the sentence "I need to tell you something". I immediately knew whatever this was it wasn't just a minor inconvenience, this was serious. That's when she told me that she had been diagnosed with skin cancer back in March, it was currently July. She didn't want me to know whilst I was in China because she knew how happy I was and she didn't want to ruin things for me. As you can imagine, it was one of the worst moments of my life. I had my moment of breaking down and then I went into practical mode, I asked all the questions that needed to be asked regarding medication, what her action plan was, what I needed to do for her during this time, I was ready to do whatever was necessary to make sure we fought this together, I didn't want her to deal with this without me anymore.

The months that followed were ones that I do not care to relive, and were arguably the worst times of my life. My mother really struggled mentally with being sick and took a lot of her struggles out on me. Now I am not going to sit here and write about the poor decisions she made but I think it's important for me to mention that my Mom and I had quite a complicated relationship, one that not many people know about or could understand fully without having known her. I love my Mom more than anything, but I also think it is very important not to idolise the dead just because they are no longer with us. I know it is a taboo but at the end of the day you're the one living with the actions and experiences that they have left behind, so if talking about those things helps you, then you should not feel any guilt for doing so.

Next thing I know I am on a plane to Moscow, Russia to sit my 3rd year at University. I initially did not tell anyone about my mother's health status, I just wanted to be treated the same as everybody else. However, after a month of pretending that everything was fine, I decided that it was in my best interest to tell the people I was living with what was going on behind the scenes. Then in November I got the call that my mom was taken into hospital and that I needed to get the next flight home, a month before my winter exams, turns out she had a tumour in her brain which had caused internal bleeding. I was prepared for the worst and knew what was coming. Flash forward to January, Mom had been at home for about a month and a half, Christmas and the New Year had come and gone in a blur. Some of the memories made during that time were some of the nicest that I got to share with my Mom, I knew I was making some of my Mom's last moments bearable, there were lots of laughs, lots of tears, but mostly the time was spent just reminding her how much she was loved by the people around her. I was not there when she passed away which is something I am very grateful for, I think she didn't want to go when I was there. Two days after receiving the news of her passing I was back in Russia continuing my studies.

The months that followed are something I am truly not able to recall, all I know is that I was completely focused on my studies and doing well, not letting this experience effect my grades. It was only in the evenings when I was alone that I allowed myself to feel all of the grief. I know that I was in a bad place and I have come such a long way from then, but sometimes it feels like I am back there in my room in Moscow feeling completely swallowed up by the monster that is loss. I didn't want to receive any special treatment from anyone because of what I had gone through, I wanted to do as well as everyone else, if not better. And in the end I did do well, very well in fact, in my studies. I thought that this is what I needed to do to make my Mom proud. However, every choice has its consequences, and the consequences of those choices resulted in a lot of resentment, distance and anxiety which I had not dealt with. Being back in the UK after my year abroad meant that I was not able to pretend like my problems did not exist, I couldn't keep convincing myself that my Mom was in another country and that's why I wasn't seeing her.

It wasn't until over a year later that I actually received help for what I was going through, by which point I had really distanced myself from a lot of people in my life (my family included), I had fallen out with some of my best friends, and my anxiety was very high. However, on the flip side to that I had made some new friends who are now like my family, my studies were going really well, and most importantly I was still breathing. At the end of the day that's all I was trying to do, my main goal was to survive this nightmare, and I was doing it. I would deal with everything else once surviving didn't feel like such a strain. The help I received came through the student support office when I was applying for mitigating circumstances for my exams. "Group therapy?", I said, " I am not sure...I don't know if that's for me". I was persuaded to have a one on one session with the lady running the group so that I could find out more. I can confidently say that it was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my entire life. It completely changed my life for the better and I know for a fact that it propelled me into a better and healthier headspace that I would not have reached as quickly had I not attended the sessions for the Parental Loss Group.

Of course I still have really difficult times and it feels like I'm trying my best just to survive but it makes things easier knowing there are people just like you who know what it's like to experience all of these things. Some moments are easier than others and so I am just trying to make the good moments last for as long as I can. Since finishing the PLG I had a break from therapy after some one on one sessions at University but since graduating I have started going to private therapy sessions which have been helping me a lot. It's wild to see how far I have come and I have to remind myself of that a lot, there are so many things I can now cope with that I never thought I would be able to overcome. And so for that I am very proud of myself and I have every ounce of faith that if I can do it then so can you. Although I still have feelings of loss and uncertainty with life, there is a sense of comfort with knowing that I have managed this far, whatever else is coming my way I will simply try my best and for now, that is enough.

Kya (she/her)

~Grieve and Groove team~