The all consuming Slump

[TW: Depression- Drug abuse- Child loss- Grief- Cancer- Heart Conditions]

We all have different names for depression- the big black dog, the grey cloud, the giant pain in my @ss- for me, it’s the slump. It’s not something that’s necessarily sudden, but it secretly builds in the shadows and slowly consumes you. It’s that little voice in the back of your head that gets louder and louder until it’s all you can hear.

In my experience, depression and grief go hand in hand and so, it’s the topic for this blog post. I suffered from the slump for most of my teenage years and didn’t really seek help until I experienced loss. In some ways, loss helped me deal with problems I was already facing and forced me to admit that I needed the help I had avoided for years. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not merely talking about the ‘everything happens for a reason’ or ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ cliche- something that I’m sure has made your blood boil as much as it has mine during loss and the eventual fallout that follows. I’m just thankful that I had a support network that prevented me from suffering alone and prevented me from being consumed by the slump.

Here’s an outline of ‘the bad days’ for those of you that haven’t heard me talk about loss daily- you know, for context.

It’s 2015 and a depressed Jordan has started her AS levels after working hard at her GCSE’s. Staying at the same secondary school was an important decision, due to the teachers knowing her mental health issues and her mother’s recent breast cancer diagnosis. She felt isolated, not having many friends still at the school and being highly distracted by her first experience of cancer in her immediate family. After some successful treatment, her superhero mother Anne beats cancer and life seems better than ever. Unfortunately, this high didn’t last. She starts her A Levels whilst her mum is given a second cancer diagnosis, it’s back and it’s angry. Her head isn’t in the right place, she feels guilty for going to school and guilty for staying home all at the same time. During form, Jordan sits, burying her head in her phone, her mum has an important appointment today and she’s awaiting the results.

Ding.

A WhatsApp message on her sisters wedding planning group- “I’m sorry if I don’t reply guys, my mums just been given a year to live..” her sister L writes. Instantly a flash bang goes off, her ears ring, the world is passing her by, she’s trying to get up to leave but everything’s going by her. Enter her Sixth form head, she’s here to let her know she needs to go home. Not quite understanding, she leaves school with her sister awaiting her. They drive around the corner, the car stops, she hears it aloud for the first time.

“One year”

L and her sob. And so begins the start of a very difficult time. Anne destroys her one year sentence, staying well for her daughter L’s wedding and being the hardcore mumma bear she always was. Anne creates a bucket list, she travels, she lives.

Fast forward. Jordan has left school to look after her mother. Anne is staying at home, she’s got a fancy bed in the living room and now has to be fed through a peg feed, due to the cancer affecting her ability to both talk and swallow. The loss of her mums voice will haunt her forever, leading to her own anxiety about being heard. Jordan feels guilt about these times, she should have been less selfish, she should have been a better daughter. Her mother is getting worse, it’s clear to see. She sleeps a lot, she tries to write her thoughts down, but the medicine means the messages don’t quite translate. She has more morphine. She isn’t in pain.

She’s gone.

Jordan’s first battle with grief, and grief won.

A light appears in the darkness, her sister is pregnant with baby number two, she announces it at the funeral. But life wouldn’t be that kind, their light Piper is diagnosed with a chromosome disorder, she’s incompatible with life. Jordan watches two of the most precious people on earth experience this loss, after also losing Anne.

Grief 2: Jordan 0.

The next few months don’t really exist for Jordan, she’s going through the motions but doesn’t retain much memory of the events that transpired. She turns to drugs, maybe as a coping mechanism, maybe because she’s a young adult, but either way, she loses herself. She loses a year of her life to it.

Her sister and brother in law S, after experiencing such pain, turn to her. She hears the truth. Jordan is doing wrong, she is on self destruct, she isn’t being a sister nor a friend, she needs to change. Slowly she seeks help so that she can be the person she needs to be and stop being selfish.

Fast forward to 2017. Jordan is straight edge. She has a job, she completes an Access course, she’s going to the University of Leeds in September. She tells her friends and family the truth. She goes to Amsterdam and then to Liverpool and then to Leeds. She’s sick today, she can’t leave the house, she has a migraine.

She awakes to a call- “Daddy’s dead”.

The flash bang goes off again. The world is set to fast forward around her. She travels back home and the cycle repeats. She doesn’t really remember what happens during this time. She just knows that her father Andrew isn’t there anymore and there’s nothing she can do to change that.

Grief 3: Jordan 0.

September 2017. Jordan moves to Leeds to start her degree, just 2 months after the death of her father. She is considered a mature student, she’s only 20. She struggles, she gets medicated, she seeks help. She attends a Parental Loss Group- she’s found a home.

Fast forward to 2020. Jordan graduates with a 2:1 in her Classical Civilisation degree, she starts an MA, she finds a job. She writes this blog. She thinks of all the memories she’s forgotten, she realises she can remember lots of the bad times but not so many of the good. She decides to work on that, to target the memories, to contact friends and family and ask them to explain things.

She stops. Looks around. She sees the life she made for herself in Leeds. She sees the dreams she accomplished. She sees the family, friends and partner who have stuck by her.

She looks at her grief, she’s finally won.

Now, although I feel that I have beaten grief, I do not believe that it isn’t an ongoing fight. I’ve won the battle but not yet the war. I have found my own form of grief, one that is more manageable and bite size. I have found that humour has kept grief and the slump at bay and allowed me to function as a normal person 90% of the time. That little voice is still there, and trust me it still gets loud sometimes, but I have gotten better at telling it to shut up. I talk about loss daily and pretty much tell everyone I meet about my wonderful parents and Piper. I combat the slump by giving it lots of attention, laughing at it and calling it out for being so mean to me! I’m medicated and adjust my dose of Sertraline when needed- I’d advise anyone considering it as an option to discuss it with their GP and make a decision that’s not fuelled by stigma and is right for them.

Other advice to tackle the slump?

As I’ve said talking about it and medication have been my main methods to kick the slump but I also learned what triggers me. I found my own way, mentioning my lost family members, talking to them and about them. I spent a long time avoiding sad things, those films or that song, and short term it really did help. However, reintroducing these sad things really helped me in the long term. Sitting down with someone you trust and watching a sad film is daunting but helped me to adjust to real life- I could be sad at sad things?! Without breaking down?!

The slump is definitely a pit of despair but I’m thankful to have such a wonderful support bubble, who are happy to reach into the pit and pull me out. Sometimes I pull other people out of the slump too, it’s much easier to climb out when you have people around you who ‘get’ it. So in short, my ramblings (this blog) serve to introduce you all to my form of grief and how I experience and tackle that thing I call the slump.

Let me know your tales with the slump, maybe we can learn a thing or two from each other.

Stay groovy,

Jordan (she/her)

~Grieve and Groove team~